Things I Shouldn’t Do Before I Turn 30
We are deeply into birthday planning for The Celebration (it’s like The Situation, but with a tad less fist pumping) when Future CEO, her family, and my family will gather in Wine Country for an extravaganza that has been years (seriously) in the making. Future CEO and I are talking dinner reservations, her little sister and brother-in-law are talking flights (and a night in my shoebox apartment), my father and I are visiting the wine cellar* to select from his collection of bottles from my birth year, and my mother just keeps repeating, “Whatever…I’m retired.”
As that big birthday approaches, I’m trying not to think about what I wanted to accomplish by that lovely round-numbered age. So instead, let’s think about all of the things I shouldn’t do before I turn 30 in four months.
1. Develop a meth habit. Just messy.
2. Sleep with Tiger Woods. Just dirty.
3. Date Chris Brown. Just dangerous.
4. Marry Heather Mills. Just crazy.
5. Faint three times during my birthday week. Just been there, done that.
6. Catch up on old Seinfeld episodes. Just don’t think it’s funny.**
7. Fall down an elevator shaft. Just bloody unlikely.
8. Compete in any Miss Universe-associated pageant. Just sleazy.
9. Pretend to like LL Cool J for his mind. Just not believable.
10. Get pregnant. Just not interested yet.
11. Visit the slums of Calcutta. Just depressing.
12. Join the US Army. Just not sure I can pull of that shade of green.
13. Spend a night in jail. Just not that into handcuffs. Ahem.
14. Camp alone. Just too afraid of deer.
15. Become a Yankees fan. Just not happening.
16. Wear Crocs. Just say no.
17. Date another 24-26 year old boy. Just prefer men.
18. Perform Backstreet Boys at bachelorette party karaoke. Just a “Livin’ on a Prayer” girl.
19. Move away from San Francisco. Just still in love with my city.
20. Drink a 30-year-old bottle of Caymus. Just kidding, I’ll totally do that.
*And by “wine cellar” I mean the completely packed extra fridge in the garage and the wine chiller that holds the really good stuff.
**Seriously.
k8 said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:20 am
I went camping alone for the first time last year. But then again, I’m 37. So maybe I’m more mature or something.
BS said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:38 pm
It really is all about those damn deer. They’re terrifying.
MJ said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:37 am
The only thing worse than crocs, is crocs with socks. And the only thing worse than crocs with socks is smoking rocks while wearing crocs with socks.
BS said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:39 pm
You are awesome. All stop.
Jess said,
February 1, 2010 at 11:39 am
This is an awesome list. I especially support number 15.
BS said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:39 pm
That’s because you’re so smart and classy.
SoMi's Nilsa said,
February 1, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I heart you a little more for writing this post. Just a lot witty!
BS said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Oh thank you! It’s my way of focusing on the positive.
Karen said,
February 1, 2010 at 2:46 pm
LOL! Love it. So funny!!
BS said,
February 1, 2010 at 8:41 pm
I know you were worried I’d be all about the meth habit, weren’t you.
Rebekah said,
February 3, 2010 at 8:14 pm
This is a very smart kind of list to make. I think I need one – it might be more win and less fail if I just tell myself what NOT to do.
BS said,
February 4, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Especially if you include things that were really never going to happen anyway. You notice “Eat a Fleur de Sel cupcake from Kara’s Cupcakes” isn’t on the list. I probably shouldn’t, but I’m sure as hell going to have one (or four) over the next few months.
Bridget said,
February 5, 2010 at 7:38 am
I have one more to add to the list: don’t be afraid to move your furniture around. Even if it only means having 1 bathroom entrance.
brookem said,
February 5, 2010 at 12:23 pm
i just found you through nilsa! great post!