Love and Hate

February 23, 2009 at 9:07 pm (in my head, present)


I hate that the loaner computer they gave me when I executed my usual one (again) has a two button Mac mouse with a disproportionate amount of surface area devoted to the right button. Yes, the right button. You know, the one you BARELY EVER USE. And no, I can’t revert it back to one-button.

I hate that I don’t have anyone to run with right now and hooboy do I need to get my jiggly ass on the road before Hawaii. I guess Jay-Z and Nick Gilder will have to be my running partners for a while.

I hate that my mother says “huh?” *every* time I mention Burn the Floor. Every time. She has problems with the letter b. But why would I ever talk about going to see “earn the floor”?

I hate that a co-worker asked me to do something that he could have done himself. And I hate that I know it was a personal favor for a friend. I hate that I did it because it would take more time and energy to push back.

I hate that my credit card company transferred a balance over from my old card as both a lump sum and individual transactions. I hate that they gave me a minor heart attack before I figured out their error. And I hate that they told me I’d have to file a claim if the system doesn’t just clear it up on its own.

I hate that my childhood friend’s father wants to be my friend on Facebook. Ignore? Add to the group with really strict privacy settings? Decline outright?

I hate that I’m so down on myself lately. I think I need to go back to six workouts a week.

I hate cleaning. I am so goram sick of cleaning my apartment. We cleaned before the Valentine’s Day madness. We cleaned after the Valentine’s Day madness (how 5 girls managed to make our place look like we had a rager worthy of some UCSB kids in a house on Del Playa I can’t even begin to know). We cleaned before the Oscars party. We cleaned after the Oscars party. I hate cleaning. I so desperately want to throw money at this problem, but I have no money to throw.

I hate that I lay in bed for nearly two hours last night before sleep kicked in. I hate that I couldn’t quiet my mind and stop thinking about what I was thinking about. I even hate myself a little bit for thinking about it at all.


I love that the awful loaner computer has helped me realize that I don’t want a lot of things I thought I wanted (like a two-button mouse).

I love, love, love that I have two hours of ballet tonight. I’m counting down the minutes.

I love that I might be able to book the flight to Germany with miles.

I love that I have no credit card debt.

I love that I’m already planning my birthday dinner (for May).

I love Mal. And Hugh Jackman. And Josh Hartnett in uniform…or out of uniform.

I love that I made the best possible mistake last night with the chocolate bread pudding (read: I nearly doubled the chocolate).

I love that I have plans to see Swan Lake with people (not that I’d have any qualms about going alone).

I love that even when I cut down to 2-3 workouts a week, my clothes still fit just fine (see having no money, above).

I love that I stuck with drug-free methods instead of resorting to Nyquil to fall asleep last night.

I love that my CSA share starts back up in three weeks and that we’ve already paid through May.

I love that being down on myself has been the exception over the past three years instead of the rule.



  1. Can I just say... said,

    I’ve been having the same sleeping problem latley, usually during the week. That’s how I know it must be work and stress related. My mind refuses to shut down and all of the days drama/list of shit I need to get done tomorrow run on repeat through my brain.

    And I AM guilty of taking cold medicine to help me fall asleep when I just can’t take it anymore. BUT I haven’t done that in quite a while.

  2. Jess said,

    I just booked a ticket to Germany using miles! Yay for you doing the same thing!

  3. SoMi's Nilsa said,

    I hate that you don’t have to workout and still stay tiny.

    I love this post and will forgive you for all the hate. =)

  4. BS said,

    CIJS – I’m absolutely guilty of taking cold medicine to fall asleep, but I’m also realizing that glass of wine works nearly as well…and I enjoy the wine.

    Jess – It’ll be my first trip to Germany! I can’t wait.

    Nilsa – No need to hate me, I’m not tiny. And I’ve been working out (I go crazy if I don’t), just not with my usual frequency.

  5. peterdewolf said,

    I set people’s parents, etc. to “limited profile” on Facebook.

    And I set “limited profile” to show almost nothing.

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