8/22/94

August 22, 2009 at 6:39 am (past)

4/24/09

I hate anniversaries of the bad shit. What’s the point in allowing yourself to wallow? To remember that he left five years ago today? Or that it has been ten years since you received a rejection letter from your dream school? But I’m writing this in April and have been thinking about her every day for at least a week. And it hit me tonight that she will have been dead 15 years in August. This is the one – the anniversary where the years she’s been gone start to outnumber the years she lived.

I think she would be leading a quiet life by now. A kid or two, a nice man, a house in a small town. It would be the opposite of my single girl reality in the city. We might not have stayed friends. It might have become too hard. But still, she is the person I think about.

In the midst of every major milestone in my life, I have found myself taking a quiet moment to mourn the things she never got to do. Everything. EVERYthing. The good, the bad, and the naughty in my life. The mundane and the extraordinary. They are all opportunities to consider things she never got to do.

When she died, I broke with God. We’d had our falling-outs before, but this was a knockout punch. Even now, I’m still angry. Because angry is easier. Because anger is the only reasonable response to the truth that only the good die young.

There are four songs that remind me of her. I don’t like a single one, but if I hear it, I will stop and let it play and wonder what she is trying to tell me. Yes, really.

But mostly I think about enjoying a little more, loving a little harder, swimming or running or dancing a little faster, saying what I’m thinking, and jumping out of the goddamn plane. For her. Because she would if she could. And I can.

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3 Comments

  1. Bridget said,

    At my high school, it seemed that every year, one student would die. Even though I only knew one of the kids that died (and not very well), I still think about them from time to time. It is an excellent reminder to live life to its fullest (ugh.. cliche but true). I’m really sorry you had to experience this.

    Also, if you need someone to jump out of a plane with you, just let me know when and where and I will show up. 🙂

  2. MJ said,

    That was a beautifuly written post, so full of emotion. Thanks for sharing. It’s definitely not good to wallow, but these memories, these feelings make us who we are. It’s good to remember.

  3. SoMi's Nilsa said,

    The idea that you life your life a little more fully because there are so many who don’t have the chance is very powerful. Thanks for the reminder.

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