Answering my own question

October 6, 2009 at 2:06 pm (On dating and mating)

As you may have guessed, the question in the previous post didn’t just materialize. I’ve had a few conversations recently about dating and paying.

My feminist credentials are well-established (I went to Wellesley for the love of Nietzsche*), but over the last three months, I’ve had to re-evaluate and come to terms with some things.

Namely, I would prefer that a man buy me a drink/dinner/movie tickets on a first date.

In theory, I agree with those who say that whoever asks pays, but I would also prefer that he ask. I don’t say that he should – should brings with it all sorts of baggage – but I prefer it. This isn’t a logic thing. In rational, logical terms, I agree with Nilsa. Or at least I agree that it presents some feminist inconsistencies to always expect a man to pay, but to want equal treatment in all other areas. But the problem I keep running into is that attraction isn’t about logic and therefore neither are first dates.

If I’m honest with myself, I’d admit that I resent it when a man asks me out then lets me pay (because of course I always offer). If I’m brutally honest, I’d say I resent it when we’re set up by a third party and he lets me pay. I may not have the reasoning behind it all sorted in my head, but I have an honorary PhD (self-awarded) in acknowledging my own emotions and I most certainly recognize the ugly ones like resentment. It’s not, for me, about feminism or being able to pay (though that’s a little more challenging as of late) or being “taken care of,” it’s about being pursued. It may not be socially acceptable to acknowledge, but I want to be wanted. I want to be courted. And I’ve come to terms with it.

*If you know where I stole this, my only explanation is that I have a crush on LL Cool J as the show is pretty terrible.