So…
sometimes I get drunk and make French Onion Soup. Personally, I think that this will (onedayinthefuturewithMr.RighterThanRight) make me an amazing wife, but if you’d rather think it makes me crazy, then you’re entitled.
(Both might be true.)
Because I can’t seem to put my thoughts into words – in response to Ben’s amazing post, in an attempt to encapsulate my mom’s birthday visit, in the hopes of filling someone, anyone in on where and who and what I’m feeling – I’m going to fall back on the cop out tried and true method of letters I’ll never send.
————–
Dear Kobo,
Seriously?! With the great-smelling candles that only burn in the center and leave unused wax on the sides?! I love you AND I hate you. Fix it.
Annoyed,
BS
————-
Dear Dude Who Signed an Email with His Initials,
I would LOVE to be your dance partner. Your date? Not so sure. I’m kind of over you already…but I’ll see you Sunday afternoon.
At least you’re not another 25-year-old,
BS
————-
Dear Downstairs Neighbor,
You are an effing chimney and it’s gross. Seriously, WHO SMOKES ANYMORE? It doesn’t come through my walls, but every once in a while – you know, between 6 and 10 am or 8 and 11 pm – I’d like to be able to use the air shaft to vent my bathroom after a shower. My lord, at least smoke something tolerable like weed.
Not even going to be polite about it anymore,
BS
————
Dear Upstairs Neighbor,
On Friday, when I came home sober from dinner with my mom and you came home wasted leaning on two friends, you made my night when you walked past my door and I heard you say, “A hot girl lives there.”
I now forgive you for parking in my garage space that one time,
BS
————
Dear Nordstrom Bra Fitting Lady,
I love you for the new Chantelle (on sale!) you found for me, but I hate you for deciding that I should go down a band size and up a cup size.
My gazongas love the bra but the flat-chested dancer in my head hates the tag. Really hates it.
Bodaciously yours,
BS
———–
Dear trochanteric bursitis,
My hip says fuck off. I WILL be dancing on Saturday.
The bottle of ibuprofen is coming for you,
BS
———–
Dear Denver/Portland/Palm Beach/St. Helena/Boston/Seattle/Calistoga,
I’ll see you in the next nine months.
Enjoy my travel budget,
BS
———-
Dear Head Injury,
I didn’t need to know that you’re on Facebook. Please go back to the recesses of my memory.
With nostalgia,
BS
Busty Satan 
amber said,
November 18, 2009 at 4:01 am
Hee. I love the one to bursitis and then about a “hot girl lives there”.
BS said,
November 19, 2009 at 10:47 am
Yes, I am old. But in reality it’s trying to get hot (i.e. dancing 8 hours/week) that caused the bursitis.
SoMi's Nilsa said,
November 18, 2009 at 9:42 am
Last night while I was running on the treadmill at the gym, a heavy smoker got on the treadmill next to me. She hadn’t even started any activity and I could barely breathe. I coughed. Loudly. She looked at me. I shook my head. Sped up. Finished my run. And got the eff out of there. I think smokers should be shot.
BS said,
November 19, 2009 at 10:46 am
It should be a gym rule that you can’t smell like smoke and come work out. It’s as rude as not wiping down the machine.
MJ said,
November 19, 2009 at 8:06 am
When I went o Nordstroms for a fitting, the lady put me in a freakin’ 34DD. She took one look at my ladies in their 34 D and said, “you have spillage.” I’m not sure when I became a curvy woman. I was always a skinny-mini. Now I’ve got more tits and ass than I know what to do with. Poor me, right.
My old roommate and I had a saying, “And that’s why we don’t cook drunk.” She would often start cooking and pass out. We would wake up to a house full of smoke and repeat the motto. She hasn’t burned alive, so I think she’s taking the advice now. Anyway, be careful!
BS said,
November 19, 2009 at 10:54 am
I’ve never been a skinny-mini (well, not since 5th grade), but I was happy where I was. I’ve spent well over a decade trying to accept my boobage and the new size isn’t helping.
I’ve never had enough to drink to make me pass out, but I appreciate the warning! “Drunk” in this case meant two glasses of wine…though I did set off the smoke detector.
Bridget said,
November 20, 2009 at 8:01 am
Chablis, Pinot Grigio, or White Bordeaux?
By the way, if I were you, I would be living off the “hot girl” comment. He IS hot and, well, wow, what an ego boost! (I wouldn’t let his drunken state hinder your opinion either.)
BS said,
November 20, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Acccctually, I was drinking the leftover Turley Zin from my mom’s birthday dinner. I can’t even remember what I bought to put in the soup.
Jess said,
November 20, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Denver?! When will this be?!
BS said,
November 20, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Yes! Denver December 19-22. Will you be around?