Alone

November 21, 2009 at 12:39 am (favs, future, in my head, It's all about me, On dating and mating, past)

Long enough ago that it feels integral to who I am, someone called me a cold-hearted bitch. I don’t remember what I’d done or said, I just remember being terrified of soliciting that response again. I didn’t actually think I was a cold-hearted bitch, I just knew I never wanted to be called one.

Over the years I’ve learned what it really feels like to hurt someone. The kind where looking them in the eye breaks you into bits and “I’m sorry” doesn’t begin to cover how much you wish you could take back the judgment, the wound, the “you can’t do it” that should have been a “you can,” the peeling of a carefully constructed exterior to reveal exactly what they hate about themselves.

I canceled a date today over IM.

I hadn’t done it sooner because I was afraid it would be mean. The move of, yes, a cold-hearted bitch. Yet I knew, from the second I said yes to his fourth request for my email address, that I didn’t want to see him again. I wasn’t attracted to him and I didn’t find him interesting, but I let myself be talked into a date by all of the “give him a chance”s people were flinging in my direction. I let his interest in me (and it was Swingers-answering machine-messages-esque interest) be reason enough for me to feel that I should be interested in him.

I’d rather be alone.

I was 15 the first time anyone talked me into dating someone. The Dangerous Ex’s girlfriend at the time did the convincing. I remember liking the guy for approximately two minutes while enjoying free beer and the warmth of his jacket. Beyond that he was rude, pushy, obsessed with football, and dumb. More recently, I dated someone who deserved better. He wanted a small life in a big place with drive-in movies and red-sauce Italian food. He was kind and loving and my head fit perfectly under his chin, but I should have let him go months before I did. Something talked me into our first date…and then I talked myself into our second. He liked me. He really liked me. And for a time that was enough for both of us.

But I’d rather be alone.

This post isn’t about the dumb jock or the sweet kid or even the slightly creepy guy I was to see on Sunday. This post is about me. About finally realizing that I have to ask for what I want. And what I want is something real, something solid, something that requires no convincing. Someone I say yes to not out of fear of being called names, but out of a desire to know more. I want someone who interests me, not just someone who tells me that I interest him. Until then?

I’d rather be alone.

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11 Comments

  1. accidentallygraceful said,

    I understand that so well. I don’t see a point to leading people on – for me, it comes down to do we have that initial chemistry or not? Just about every time I’ve experienced that chemistry, it’s led to some sort of romantic entanglement.

    But if it’s not there? Then I’d rather just enjoy myself, rather than worrying about what someone else wants, am I giving them what they need, am I being unfair to them, unfair to me, blah blah blah.

    So I totally understand.

    • BS said,

      Exactly. Either that initial chemistry is there or it’s not. If it’s not, it never will be.

  2. Katie said,

    It’s so easy to let other people, or even that voice in your head, sometimes convince you that you should give things a try even when your instinct is telling you that it’s pointless. I’m so sick of being by myself. But at the same time, I’m still pretty sure that being alone is better than being with someone you have to convince yourself to be interested in.

    The million dollar question is, where are the men (or man…I suppose I just need one) who I can be really interested in, and who is interested in me????

    *sigh*

    • BS said,

      That is the 47 gajillion dollar question, now isn’t it. I think there are women out there who are comfortable with the temporary and can have fun dating, I’m just not one of them. I’m convinced mine is in San Francisco. (The more I say that, the more I’ll believe that he’s not actually thousands of miles away in the Carolinas…)

  3. Bridget said,

    You were my inspiration this weekend. Thank you!

    Being alone has its perks – although I would have given anyone to have someone to turn up the heater this morning and bring me coffee in bed. Keo is great but not having an opposable thumb makes it difficult for him to help out.

    • BS said,

      Winter makes me want to cuddle too (but I’d happily take Keo over some Mr. Right Now).

  4. MJ said,

    Makes sense to me. You should never be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with being alone when you’re a strong and intelligent woman. You’ll meet someone you want to be with, and until then you don’t need to date just to date.

    • BS said,

      Thanks! People tend to think someone will grow on me and the truth is, they never do. My initial impressions of people stick with me, for better or worse…

  5. Jess said,

    I’m glad you know that about yourself. It’s so important. I feel that way too (which may sound weird given that I’m married). I love being married, but only because I’m married to Torsten. I would much much much rather be alone than be with someone who wasn’t quite right for me.

  6. amber said,

    I know exactly what you mean. I let my sister hook me up with one of her friends, and I didn’t feel anything at all, but she kept telling me to “give it a chance”. And in the end, in only hurt him and made me look like a terrible bitch.

    And I wouldn’t worry about being a “cold-hearted bitch” either. In my experience, people call names when they’re threatened or intimidated. You don’t seem at all bitchy to me! 🙂

  7. SoMi's Nilsa said,

    One of the best lessons I learned was how to be alone. How to feel fulfilled being alone. How to enjoy being alone. And until that time, I wasn’t ready to be with someone else. From my perspective, I think it’s perfectly fine to know what you want and to not settle until you get it. Everyone will be better off in the long run.

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