Thank you, Facebook

March 8, 2010 at 1:52 pm (On dating and mating, past)

The Head Injury is married.

It’s not that I ever thought things would work out between us, or that they could work out between us for that matter. It’s not even that I wondered with any real regularity where he was or what he was doing. It’s just that he was out there. I used to think of him as really something, but in retrospect, he never was. We were the people each of us needed at the time and that was all.

When I heard, I only felt…relief. Relief that the chapter is closed. Relief that he’s well and happy and healthy. Relief that I would never be tempted to wonder “what if”. Relief that I could stop looking back with rose-colored glasses and recognize that period of my life for what it was: a union as charged, charming, and fleeting as summer camp.

Have you learned that an ex is married? How did you react?



  1. k8 said,

    I have found out that people are dating again. I don’t much like to know, actually.

    • BS said,

      I’ve been on Facebook for ages and yet this is the first time I actually searched for his profile. I don’t know why.

  2. Windsor Grace said,

    I was sad that he wasn’t sitting around realizing the mistake he’s made in letting me go.

    • BS said,

      It helps that the Head Injury and I sort of had that closure already, when he thanked me for being there for him and I realized how wrong he was for me.

  3. Jess said,

    I found out a couple years after I left Senegal that my Senegalese ex-boyfriend was married to a French woman and they had a daughter. I was… stunned, in part that he had obviously been with her long enough to get married, get her pregnant, and so forth, and in part that she was French. He had dated a foreign girl before me but I guess I thought that two was just circumstantial. Three seems… more than circumstantial. But ultimately it didn’t matter that much. I was already with Torsten at that point and I had no more feelings with this guy, so I opted not to dwell on what it all meant and instead just move past it.

    • BS said,

      Does being with someone (or being with the right person) makeit easier? I’m not directing that question towards you per se, just wondering.

      • Jess said,

        For me, yes. I think if you’re single, depending on how the relationship ended, there’s a tendency to wonder if it could have worked out, or to be bitter that they’re moving on and you haven’t, or to be frustrated that they’re with someone new and you aren’t. Whereas if you’re with someone (at least if that someone is the right someone), that stuff doesn’t matter. The questions are answered. You KNOW you don’t want to be with that person because you KNOW you want to be with a different person. And, if you’re upset about how the relationship ended, it’s less upsetting to think of them being settled romantically if you’re already in that place yourself.

      • Jess said,

        I should also add that being with someone isn’t a prerequisite for feeling relieved, or happy for the other person. If you ended a relationship because you knew it wasn’t right for you, and you aren’t bitter toward the other person, there’s no reason why you can’t be happy for them when they get married. But being in a relationship with the right person can certainly make those positive feelings easier to come by.

      • BS said,

        Definitely. I think it might have stung to find out he’s married were I in a different romantic place. But at the same time, I wasn’t upset when the Ex-ALM met his future wife, just thrilled that he found someone who is an infinitely better fit for him than I ever was.

  4. Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said,

    All three of my (serious) ex’s are married. It burned when I found out one of them got married to the women with whom I suspect he was cheating on me. Then again, I justified it by telling myself the cheating was not in vain. =)

    The other two, I sort of shrugged. By the time I found out, I was already with Sweets. So, it was easier to be happy for them.

    I’m glad you’ve been able to find closure to that part of your life, even if it stings a bit.

    • BS said,

      I don’t know that it stings, but I was certainly surprised by my relief.

      If he married the woman he had dated before me, that would have stung.

  5. Karen said,

    Well, i was happy when an ex, who I knew was married was listed as single on facebook. He got divorced and that that thrilled me – only because I figured he was miserable.

    • BS said,

      Sounds like the guy was a bit of a jerk to you.

  6. Bridget said,

    I have one ex whom I’m genuinely happy for. As badly as it hurt, I knew we would never work out when we stopped dating. Another ex — I feel bad for his wife because I caught him out with another girl one night when I knew they were dating. My last ex isn’t married but word on the street has it that he and his new girlfriend are having issues. It seems to be throwing him for a bit of a religious loop which I find a little strange. I hope he’s okay.

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