A Letter to Tourists

January 7, 2011 at 10:46 am (I love my city, plays well with others)

Oh Gawker, you’re so witty and amusing the way you berate people and slut shame women like some lovechild of Tucker Carlson and Tucker Max. Silly Gawker…

And yet the article posing as a letter to New York visitors gave me an idea. (P.S. That whole thing about sauntering tourists getting in the way of striding New Yorkers is so original that I think it was in Pillow Talk.)

See, the SF version looks like this:

Dear Visitors to Our Fine City,
Welcome. Enjoy the beauty and wackiness of my favorite place. Here are some tips.

Ask for directions
We’ll whip out an iPhone and have you there quicker than LiLo can relapse. And then we’ll be amused that anyone with enough discretionary income to travel doesn’t own a smartphone. Are you visiting from Florida or 2004?

Enjoy the whole damn city
No, really. It’s only 49 square miles. New Yorkers (according to Gawker) may want you to keep to certain neighborhoods, but we’re a bit more inclusive on the left coast. Though you’re likely to stick to the Haight, Pier 39, and the touristy part of Chinatown, you’re more than welcome to Russian Hill, Union Street, and the Mission too. Just, for the love of God,

Don’t come looking for hippies
SF retains only the spirit of those wild, free-loving years. The kids you see on the street are mostly homeless runaways that the foster system chewed up and spit out. They’re not here for your amusement. (I’m talking to you crazy Duggar woman with 27 kids.)

Get your coffee from Starbucks
Leave us our Blue Bottle, Ritual, and Philz. It’s Northern California crack.

Breathe deep
Yes, people smoke weed in public. Yes, the cops can smell it. Yes, it’s legal. Sorry, Josh Hamilton, get over it.

Enjoy the Bush Man
Just kidding. There’s nothing in that bush. Nothing at all.

Keep your Blazing Sadles bikes to the west side of the bridge
There are signs on the Golden Gate. Read them. Or we will make fun of your fanny pack to your face. Weekend + bike = west side of the bridge. This shouldn’t be difficult. Check your phone, it’ll tell you. Oh wait…



  1. Jess said,

    Love this. I never understand why people get so high and mighty about tourists coming to their lovely cities. They bring the cash! That’s what you want! The economy depends on them! So please, welcome them with open arms.

    • BS said,

      And you would certainly know about tourists having lived in DC! I’m completely with you.

  2. k8 said,


  3. Amanda said,

    Heh, my Midwestern pals were shocked, *shocked* to be offered marijuana in one of the bars on Polk St. last month.

    • BS said,

      Tell them that’s just California hospitality.

  4. WendyB said,

    I stopped reading Gawker more than a year ago, because it’s like drinking poison.

    • BS said,

      I click on links to Gawker, but I would never go there on my own.

  5. More info for tourists (er…sorta) « Busty Satan said,

    […] I was strongly urged to vote by 7×7.com) and thought it tied right into the SF/NY theme of my Letter to Tourists […]

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