November 18, 2008 at 8:10 am (BlogSecret)

So here it is, Nilsa’s BlogSecret project, in which I guest host someone else’s secret. In case that wasn’t clear and you haven’t been paying attention and you don’t know who Nilsa is (shame on you!) and you’ve never heard of BlogSecret, I’m saying that the text below was not written by me.

You can see all of the blogs participating here.

I’m a fairly open person so it took me awhile to find a worthy secret. Unfortunately this secret is also somewhat painful for me to share…the ‘secret’ itself is common (I think) but the reasons behind it aren’t (hopefully).

I’m afraid of dating.

I’m in my twenties and I never have. A big part has to do with when I was very young and impressionable I was used as a stepping stone to get to my friends. Not because one was hotter than the other but simply because they seemed much easier than me (get your mind out of the gutter! We were 8-10, not easy in that way!). I don’t think I have ever recovered from that.

Now, over 15 years later, I still think that when people approach me whether I’m with a group or not it’s just to use me as a bridge and so I stay closed up. Others have told me I just need to settle for someone that I don’t really find all that attractive but who adores me for the boost, apparently that’s all I need…then I’ll be ready to smooze and get with someone who deserves me and I deserve in return. But I don’t think I’m capable of that. I’m not good at pretending and if my body doesn’t feel anything I don’t see the point in trying. I don’t want to spend my dating life (if I ever get one) searching for the next best thing and always feeling like I have to settle for someone just below me. I want to be with people because it’s what I think works for me at that point in my life.

But it’s much easier in thought, in practice it hurts a bit. I enjoy listening to my friends relationship stories, watching them flirt, date, get in relationships, break-up, repeat and am rarely jealous. But when it’s something really great, to the point where I can basically see the sparks flying, hear the infatuation in their voices, and feel the vibes rolling off of them I do get jealous. And then I start to wonder if maybe I should go out and hook up for the experience, maybe I should talk myself into doing the unthinkable and actually dating as a sport…

…Then I think back to those times (yep, more than once, had to make sure my faith was good and broken) and know that there is no way I could do that to someone. I can’t and won’t allow someone to believe that there is something more than what there is just to advance myself in one way or another. It’s a horrible feeling.

On the bright side I don’t know what all of that feels like so I’m not lonely, not in the least bit. I still root for couples, and happiness, and sparks, I just don’t search for it or see it happening for myself.

Love may be a spectator sport though, my friends consistently ask me for relationship advice and, believe it or not, the things I tell them actually work out well for both parties! I’m at a 90% success rate.

If I tried to do the same for myself do you think it would work? Or would past issues keep getting in the way?

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